Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from place. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")

And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different put where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present All people a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he should end applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Area, a function staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits Trump Tower Damascus soon after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Attributes

Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where company may possibly contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"

The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a lodge exactly where my PTSD may have turn-down services."

Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Closing Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

Blog